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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

And the Costs just keep on coming

My last podcast was about bullying, mostly, and about the cost of doing
the right thing. I've had plenty of experience of bullying. A bit less
of doing the right thing, I suppose.

As it turns out, my stressful evening the other night is still costing me.
I'm now having nightmares about bullying. Very realistic dream. Sad to
say, all that experience gives me dreams of very high quality - if you
want to call it that.

I woke up in the middle of the night, with all those memories roaring in
my head. The voices of my dream just wouldn't stop talking. No, this
isn't a "voices in my head" scenario. Just my heart beating a million
times a minute in a room that was way too quiet and too dark, and me still
not quite awake. But it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

People like me who have lived through bullying sometimes describe the
effects as PTSD -- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not as like PTSD, but
as PTSD. I'm not an expert on such things, but I wouldn't entirely rule
it out. It's not a feeling that goes away. And you learn to avoid
getting hurt again, either by hitting first, or by fading into the
background, and not trusting anybody entirely, either way.

Ugly business. And I have my new, large friend to thank for that. It
isn't easy to forgive for that. But I still feel like I ought to. But
I'm not so sure I will. Maybe.

By the way, I in my show about bullying, I used a song entitled "Terrified," by The Raventones and or TR Kelley. As it turns out, unknown to me, the song is part of a larger work. About bullying. Go figure.

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